My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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