Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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