yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
