I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Randomize
