If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Randomize
