Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
