Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
