I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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