I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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