Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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