Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize