dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
