Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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