drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize