You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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