Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
