The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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