some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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