Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
