as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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