Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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