just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
