im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
