I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
