last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
