His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize