New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
