the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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