Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
