I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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