I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
