If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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