two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
