Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
he was CRYING into my vagina
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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