no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
