thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
