I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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