my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
