Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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