It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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