Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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