Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
