I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
