Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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