i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
how do flat chested girls get laid?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
