We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
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