it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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