my mouth tastes like poor choices
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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