the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
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