whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Randomize
