My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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