i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
