I just cut my nipple shaving
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
