i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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