I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Can Purell be used as lube?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Pants are for mortals
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
