if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize