My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
