as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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