this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
