I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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