My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
