Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize