I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
