You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
