my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
